i am confused whether he has lied to me this whole time or not, he says they are cousins but everything is pointing towards them not being cousins, so was it all a lie is that why the end was so easy
i believed him and disregarded the thought because i trusted him, but deep down i am starting to think there probably is a higher possibility that he has been lying and i was made a joke of, sadly i had given him things that i would have never given to just anybody ans sadly i wasted more than a year of my time building not only a friendship but a possible love with him, he tells me he loves me but actions speak louder than words and im realizing im better than this

i love my dog

i am an artist, sure i guess art is just a subject i do in school and most of the time i cant be bothered finishing it at home but we are all artists in some type of unique way?

i dont know if we have a purpose of being here or not on this planet or what the point is

we are born and given life to supposedly do whatever we want and desire because we own our lives

we are forced to go to school and get an education to be accepted in society because if you dont you may just be considered '' retarted '' we learn some subjects which will become no use or help to us in the '' big world '' we all think it but no one says anything

most of us in secondary school suffer from a mental illness and all society knows it, a percentage will commit suicide and thats a life taken away before they even get into the '' big world '' and the majority of the reason is because of school, the one thing we are forced to go into, they all say we have a choice but no, we dont. school itself may not be the cause but the people inside school because of a lack of discipline from the whole world, so as they say we have a choice, the one choice the people consider is to stick with it or make it go away, and well i guess you already know which choice they make.

the adults may say there are guidance councilors, teachers and all sorts, but they never know what is going, they may repeat all of the possible answers they were taught to say but it is all bullshit and in the world no one can save you but yourself, of course if you have a true friend in the world which is rare enough it may just save you but as they say, you will always have your own back.

education on mental illness is utter bullshit but no one will ever do anything about it.

im back again, everything is shit again what a shocker, i had a very happy few months summer was pretty amazing, i had my 2 bestfriends which i love to bits and i had the boy that i cant really say that i love him anymore

he finished it all, 8 months turned to waste just in a few minutes, almost 2 years of knowing a guy you'd think everything would turn out alright but it turned out to be the opposite. he was the first guy i properly trusted after years, i literally love him still even through all the shitty things he's said to me and might be saying about me, i stopped talking about him to my friends for a while because i guess deep down i had a feeling, his replies started getting short which turned into only maybe 5 replies a day, i brushed it off as if i didnt care but i did care a lot, whats ironic is that i was actually able to come up to see him this time but i guess it wasnt meant to happen, hed said he wasnt ditching me or that it wasnt the end or that he wasnt gonna leave me and all that even in person, but i guess everything was a lie, so anyway this whole week every single fucking day he finds something to argue with me about for no reason, he finishes things which makes me feel like shit he then decides to drag on fights for a week straight saying he doesnt care and that im a dose and what not and decides to delete me i ended up getting added back because i reached out by calling him and then everything was alright i told him ill leave him alone because i hate leaving things on bad terms that eats your conscience up and you never know what can happen, so everything was fine, it was him that kept popping up and then he finds another arguement and i was almost sure everything was done there and then but he ends up popping up again after that, and then everything is fine for a day maybe less and he decides to delete me out of nowhere without saying anything,  its like how can someone loose all feelings just like that and leave the other person in tears, i just think maybe we should have left it the way it was during april time at least it wasnt this bad that he had to delete me twice and i would have accepted it easier during the summer before things got this serious

im a depressed fucker but id rather not surround my friends with sadness and make them feel shitty so ill just brush it off as if im okay

because at the end of the day no one can help the way im feeling but myself

my hearts a bit broke lol but i think my eyes are too tired to cry on the downlow anymore so ill just sit in my room watching a movie distracted thinking about him and about how i could have avoided this and what if and all that

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:)