its been a while. again.
i start this the same everytime lol:
so basically everything has fucking changed like i mean everything, okay so i got back from holidays but during the last few days xxx died and the guy i use to talk to and stay up until morning talking to, well he messaged me about it and we got back to speaking like nothing ever happened like we didnt stop talking it was like we started again where we left off, so we had been speaking for about a month and we started calling every night and obviously alcohol was involved so he finally told me how he actually felt and everything about me, i was shocked and my guard was up but i let it down cause ive always had a place for him even when we were just " friends " and this is so weird for him he is a FUCKBOY or well was? he keep saying how he never does this and that id be sacked off by now and that this usually never happens and hasnt and honestly i think its scary for the both of us im so scared of getting hurt like my trust was a bit shattered after what happened last year with K, but with J its so different were so alike hes literally the boy version of me, so i ended up going out a night and the first time we saw eachother everything was great we were even official for a few hours cause we were both drunk asfuck but broke up the next day lol, but i went to his house and stayed 2 nights, and the next week he stayed at mine for a literal week and its actually been amazing ive never had such a connection with someone or someone that gets me so much, like yeah theres sexual attraction and tension but theres actually genuine feelings there too even when we look at eachother, well in my case i stare at him or when i catch him staring at me when we were lying down, im just so happy like he even left me his jumper that i love and is actually letting me keep it, ive never went this far with a boy or told my mum about any boy in my life but with him im actually considering it even though we arent even boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment, hes just so good to me and i just cant believe its real, but obviously schools starting tomorrow morning literally its 11:41 pm and i have to be up early, and we had a talk about ending things, because ive school and work and there was a fear of never seeing eachother, but id make all the effort in the world for him like im actually falling for this boy so much but for once im not putting it all out there because if i do it actually would consume me and make everything so much realer, i get so scared what if this is just a temporary thing for him, i think it would be worth it to me he is worth it even if he doesnt think so, id rather see where this takes me and him cause we have something different, hes not perfect i can say that but neither am i tbh and ive done things that im not proud of either and ive never been the most ideal person im so far from it which is why im so shocked of why this summers been so fucking amazing, me and jess and my other bestfriend dee are back to being a trio, and ngl i did miss her, i feel like everythings going into place slowly but gradually and i just have to see where im lead in time, im 17 in 2 weeks, fucking 17, this year flew like being 16 was a flash, im finally going to have my ID its scary growing up im still so young in my opinion and im already finishing school in a few months, might just be the biggest year of my life and so much is going on idk where this year is going to take me and its scaring the life out of me, after tomorrow its just going to be different i already know it. just going to do me this year and not let anyone get in the way of what i want and need and desire for once in my life.


also K also hit me up like a month ago, we did talk a bit and he fucked up my head a bit telling me he missed me and he was finally ready to settle with me and that i was that girl and that he was so sorry for what he did, he hadnt left me alone for a whole fucking year after what he did, im not even angry anymore, but he boiled my blood so much when i told him i had feelings for josh even a week before me and josh spoke about it, and K said that he could get anyone and didnt give a shit what i want and that he left me and all tis bullshit and i finally let loose and told him everything that i thought of him and everything that was bottled up for once because i kept my shit together and kept my mouth closed for 8 fucking months, and i deleted him straight after, and a week later i saw him in person and i realized i never actually loved that boy and i dont know what love is, what me and him had was actually nothing but something stupid and pathetic, we were just bored, well i know i was anyway, things happen to us that need to happen we all have a path no matter how silly or gay it sounds, things plan out the way theyre suppose to good or bad and that is what makes or breaks us, its just the way life is and sometimes we just have to accept it, and i think i finally am.
lol till another few months or weeks we'll see