i have to let everything out.

im just confused, confused with myself and my mind and my mental health and just everything to do with me

i feel like im alone, i feel like ive nobody and nobody cares, and no its not anyones fault because i know im not entirely alone deep down when i tap into my subconscious and cop on, but 99% of the time i feel like im a burden and annoying and i feel like everyone hates me, im embarrassed of myself and i hate the look of myself and my own voice and personality and attitude, i hate it all, i hate myself, for the last few months everything about me i just chip away at myself and i feel like ive nothing left of me

i cant recognize myself, i dont recognize myself, not anymore, and it has taken me a while to realize that i havent been me for a very long time, my personality isnt the same, i probably cry 6 days out of the 7 in a week every single week, i dont like what i see in the mirror i just see disgust, i dont have the confidence that i did a few months back or the livelyness or happieness that i also had, im not the bubbly person i was , im insecure sad, low constantly, easily irritated, moody, i explode easy im not calm and collected im fiery and angry and aggressive, and it has taken me today to sit down and acknowledge the horrible person i have become, i dont know who i am, i use to be happy confident cheeky sarcastic loving and the best possible version of myself a few months back and especially last year when me and josh started literally today this time last year, i found myself last year and i was the BEST and HAPPIEST version of myself that i had ever been in my entire life, i had went through depression before in past years but overcame it, i had the bestest friend and the greatest friends surrounding me and i felt like i was glowing , iwas confident and collected so much that i had the confidence to message the first ever boy and the only boy i had ever laid eyes on that i thought was perfect, my very own current boyfriend

but as the months passed my skin started to worsen so much that i actually developed acne and it was bad covering all of my cheeks on both sides with huge red spots that hurt and they werent seperate it was like 10 all clumped together, they were painful and my confidence started to drop i was too insecure constantly, i had to always look at myself in the mirror fix myself because i felt like i alwyas looked like shit, it affected me in my relationship too i started become insecure and scared i always thought in the back of my head he could find someone better or see someone better and lose interest in me and see me for my real ugly self, even though i should NOT have been thinking like that because he was with me for ME .. he was the best to me, he'd constantly love me and show affection towards me, and ill never forget the night in my free house when it was like 4 am it was dark but starting to get light the blinds were closed and i was half asleep when he started massaging me voluntarily without me asking, and then i woke up i asked him why he loved me or why i was different to any other girl because he always told me i was different and he told me everything he loved about me and i swear those moments and the start of our relationship i never felt so much love from anybody in my entire life, he showed me what real love is and i fell inlove with him, ill always cherish it he is the love of my life my very own soulmate

i got on birth control for safety during sex and well it was suppose to improve my skin somehow too, i was also taking pills for my skin which were danger of fucking up my liver too and also 2 very strong creams, nothing was helping, my skin only worsened and ihad to put up with it for 6 months, until i got on roacutane so along with birth control that changes your mood, i had now ALSO have roacutane which is proven to make you depressed, suicidal, psychosis, suicide thoughts, aggressive, change of personality etc, but anything to make my skin better

 i feel like ever since i started either medication its absolutely destroyed my mental health, i dont recognize myself at all, yeah my skin is getting better, but ive become so toxic, especially towards my relationship, my boyfriend has been there for me constantly through everything and stuck by me no matter what, but it  just isnt the same, what i was talking about up there how perfect he was too me, its just changed, i dont really get much affection,or verbal affection, i cant remember the last time he was the one to say '' i love you'' out of a spark of the moment or anything, ive kept everything bottled up, i dont think he loves me anymore, ive been depressed for so long now, i argue with him every week, probably twice a week and then leave myself alone because we dont speak for days then because he needs space, so that leaves like 3 days of us talking in a week, it hurts a lot and ifeel like even those little things that ive noticed make me even more reluctant to argue or let everything out, i know its my fault hes not the same, hes not happy, back then he was happy, so was i.. im trying to work on myself now and get back to the way i was the girlfriend that made him happy not this absolute mess, i just want him and want to make him happy and i want to be happy myself, lastnight was the first time in so long where i could feel love from him, it was so simple and delicate but meant the absolute world to me, i was just laying there my face towards him my eyes closed and he just got his hand and started touching my faces and playing with my hair and going up and down my shoulders and hand, and touching my shoulders, i felt so fucking loved by him just that little thing, i was so happy that small thing made me over the moon it brought me back to that moment in my house, no words just actions this time, but i had to go and fuck everything up as usual, i went completely psychotic, mental and aggressive, and i dont know who i am or what happened, i just love him so much he doesnt realize what id do for him, im going to stop all this fuckery now and fix me and my mental health, this isnt me and i know that deep down, im just so sad rightnow i dont want to lose him, were a year this week and wow i have fucked everything, im such a depressed fuckup and im ruining everything , i cant stop crying, i just needed to write this because i have no one to talk to