i have to let everything out.

im just confused, confused with myself and my mind and my mental health and just everything to do with me

i feel like im alone, i feel like ive nobody and nobody cares, and no its not anyones fault because i know im not entirely alone deep down when i tap into my subconscious and cop on, but 99% of the time i feel like im a burden and annoying and i feel like everyone hates me, im embarrassed of myself and i hate the look of myself and my own voice and personality and attitude, i hate it all, i hate myself, for the last few months everything about me i just chip away at myself and i feel like ive nothing left of me

i cant recognize myself, i dont recognize myself, not anymore, and it has taken me a while to realize that i havent been me for a very long time, my personality isnt the same, i probably cry 6 days out of the 7 in a week every single week, i dont like what i see in the mirror i just see disgust, i dont have the confidence that i did a few months back or the livelyness or happieness that i also had, im not the bubbly person i was , im insecure sad, low constantly, easily irritated, moody, i explode easy im not calm and collected im fiery and angry and aggressive, and it has taken me today to sit down and acknowledge the horrible person i have become, i dont know who i am, i use to be happy confident cheeky sarcastic loving and the best possible version of myself a few months back and especially last year when me and josh started literally today this time last year, i found myself last year and i was the BEST and HAPPIEST version of myself that i had ever been in my entire life, i had went through depression before in past years but overcame it, i had the bestest friend and the greatest friends surrounding me and i felt like i was glowing , iwas confident and collected so much that i had the confidence to message the first ever boy and the only boy i had ever laid eyes on that i thought was perfect, my very own current boyfriend

but as the months passed my skin started to worsen so much that i actually developed acne and it was bad covering all of my cheeks on both sides with huge red spots that hurt and they werent seperate it was like 10 all clumped together, they were painful and my confidence started to drop i was too insecure constantly, i had to always look at myself in the mirror fix myself because i felt like i alwyas looked like shit, it affected me in my relationship too i started become insecure and scared i always thought in the back of my head he could find someone better or see someone better and lose interest in me and see me for my real ugly self, even though i should NOT have been thinking like that because he was with me for ME .. he was the best to me, he'd constantly love me and show affection towards me, and ill never forget the night in my free house when it was like 4 am it was dark but starting to get light the blinds were closed and i was half asleep when he started massaging me voluntarily without me asking, and then i woke up i asked him why he loved me or why i was different to any other girl because he always told me i was different and he told me everything he loved about me and i swear those moments and the start of our relationship i never felt so much love from anybody in my entire life, he showed me what real love is and i fell inlove with him, ill always cherish it he is the love of my life my very own soulmate

i got on birth control for safety during sex and well it was suppose to improve my skin somehow too, i was also taking pills for my skin which were danger of fucking up my liver too and also 2 very strong creams, nothing was helping, my skin only worsened and ihad to put up with it for 6 months, until i got on roacutane so along with birth control that changes your mood, i had now ALSO have roacutane which is proven to make you depressed, suicidal, psychosis, suicide thoughts, aggressive, change of personality etc, but anything to make my skin better

 i feel like ever since i started either medication its absolutely destroyed my mental health, i dont recognize myself at all, yeah my skin is getting better, but ive become so toxic, especially towards my relationship, my boyfriend has been there for me constantly through everything and stuck by me no matter what, but it  just isnt the same, what i was talking about up there how perfect he was too me, its just changed, i dont really get much affection,or verbal affection, i cant remember the last time he was the one to say '' i love you'' out of a spark of the moment or anything, ive kept everything bottled up, i dont think he loves me anymore, ive been depressed for so long now, i argue with him every week, probably twice a week and then leave myself alone because we dont speak for days then because he needs space, so that leaves like 3 days of us talking in a week, it hurts a lot and ifeel like even those little things that ive noticed make me even more reluctant to argue or let everything out, i know its my fault hes not the same, hes not happy, back then he was happy, so was i.. im trying to work on myself now and get back to the way i was the girlfriend that made him happy not this absolute mess, i just want him and want to make him happy and i want to be happy myself, lastnight was the first time in so long where i could feel love from him, it was so simple and delicate but meant the absolute world to me, i was just laying there my face towards him my eyes closed and he just got his hand and started touching my faces and playing with my hair and going up and down my shoulders and hand, and touching my shoulders, i felt so fucking loved by him just that little thing, i was so happy that small thing made me over the moon it brought me back to that moment in my house, no words just actions this time, but i had to go and fuck everything up as usual, i went completely psychotic, mental and aggressive, and i dont know who i am or what happened, i just love him so much he doesnt realize what id do for him, im going to stop all this fuckery now and fix me and my mental health, this isnt me and i know that deep down, im just so sad rightnow i dont want to lose him, were a year this week and wow i have fucked everything, im such a depressed fuckup and im ruining everything , i cant stop crying, i just needed to write this because i have no one to talk to

every-things went to shit tbh and idk what to do with myself lol

sometimes i decide to over exagertate completely most things majority of the time but my life is like not good right now

im gonna start again and explain these past 2 months

like a long fucking summary

yeah so basically a lot happened in the month of december my bestfriend jessica went to new york with her yes boyfriend, they became official ! just wanted to put that there because its her first boyfriend and im just extremely happy for her :)

but again wow for me a handful happened, me and my boyfriend had what i would consider a very difficult and hard month in our relationship. We were constantly arguing and falling out and just not in a good place i feel like we hit that point in every relationship where you go through that difficult phase and you either pull out or both get through it together and become somewhat way stronger, i wasn't willing to give up, and yes we did get past it and put all the arguing aside and sort of forgot about them and as new years arrived(we did spend together) everything just arranged itself into place and i can say that i am the happiest i have ever ever been and he is the reason. I genuinely feel like he is '' the one '' like he is the love of my life, a soulmate if you want to call it that, as cringe as some people would find it or some not believe  in it, i have not felt anything like this in my heart or mind or body ever in my life , or felt this strongly for someone else and it isnt like i havent had previous others, he just is everything that i have ever wanted,needed,craved and looked for, from his looks to his personality to the way he makes me laugh to his touch to the way he can make me feel and make me thrive, the way he looks at me or kisses me, its actually something that cant fully be understood from another persons point of view or explained fully, and when he tells me he loves me or loves me back i actually believe him and fully trust him with everything, theres nothing that i couldnt tell or confide in him, he's my other half like ive never had a person that is so similar and the same to me but so different in his own perfect way. when it is me and him 1 on 1 together i actually manage to forget about everything else going on about my life and not give one shit about any of it but just focus on him

basically im so so so in love, it use to scare me how much of myself ive given to him almost everything but ive past that point and im just excited and happy and honesty dont care about anything else but us

and its not just a teen romance or some other shit that people decide to label, its actually so real

so yeah fuck, ive fallen really fucking hard for my boyfriend

( this was suppose to be posted 2 months ago) okay wow its literally december like next week this is scary lol, where is time going idek.... so i guess as usual quite a bit has happened, lets start of by saying i lost my v card. im not actually sure if i mentioned it in my before post? but yeah that happened and im happy, it was so '' natural '' and i just felt super comfortable with it all, and so far its happened like 3 other times but thats it. i guess we've had 1 or 2 hiccups like silly arguments as you do, we have been with eachother romantically for 3 months now, officially 2 months but yeah its expected, lastnight we did argue well i went in on him quite a bit for very good reasons and i didnt apologise i didnt speak to him for a good 15 hours, and then messaged him because i wanted it sorted and i told him i cant apologize because i didnt say anything bad or that i didnt mean and he for i think the 1st/2nd time ever admitted and said that i dont have anything to say sorry for because i was completely right and didnt do anything wrong and that he just couldnt listen to it, and said sorry, and by him doing that it actually meant a lot to me that he understood, because in reality thats all that i wanted, im actually proud of what i said it was like getting it all off my chest, so yeah i work all the time now too 3/4 days a week whilst also going to school which is not fun, also jessica is now talking to a guy, he asked her to be his girlfriend but she said no that its too soon which im so happy shes a smart girl, theyre going to the cinema for their first lil date and im actually just sosossoosososso happy in my heart for her, like its about time a guy treats her right and shes waited so long for this, hopefully its all worth it in the end.

im no longer friends with my '' other bestfriend '' i quote that because she wasnt a real good, bestfriend, or even bestfriend at all, i was just being used constantly and so was jessica, so we stopped the friendship on good terms, i mean there was no argument or anything, we shared our fair amount of arguments a couple times a week, it was draining and unecessary and she was never going to speak to us after we finished school , we didnt even do things outside of school. so yeah.

too much has happened to write down i dunno

its sp00k month,

not long but yeah stuff has actually happened, so i have a boyfriend now.. my first one, i met his family and oh my lord what a scary day of nerves and sweat that was HA, like i was never that nervous before, but it went well, and then came another time, i actually TOLD my mother about a guy in my life and everything (through text lol im stupid) but yeah we talked about it and she finally met him, and she knows everything about him so theres no hiding it, we'll be a month in a week and yeah like i am crazy about it, i dont actually admit it like that because im taking everything step by step but we have admitting to eachother in person '' i love you '' once and once only, this is serious and im glad i havent had a boyfriend and ive actually waited to do all of these things for the first time , with and for him like my mum was a big deal in general i never thought she'd be accepting of it but i get it now she was just looking out for me the whole time and why, but i mean i really really care for him words cant describe

i am 17 now, slowly moving out of the baby stage but its still early yet, and my boyfriend actually got me pandora ring, its like 3 weeks later because he ordered it tonight but thats because i wouldnt tell him what i wanted so then during the weekend i was just saying how i wanted one since mine disapearred and he actually got me one, so ill probably get it during the weekend, if i got the size of it wrong i will probably cry a little, but still how cute is he i love wearing rings so much !!! so like it is the best present

also im excited for halloween its just around the corner so that should be good (hopefully but maybe probably not lol) thinking of going as a vampire since i love vampires like a lot but we'll see, i actually want to save up money on my card but its not going well but yeah thats it for now, hearts content

hi there lol
so uhuhh im like so sick rightnow, like i think i caught the flu, tHANKS TO SCHOOL, like jesus every kid in there is sniffling and coughing and shit and now im looking like shit and my immune system is down ! but hey we'll get through it right, i only work 1 day a week now and thats a thursday after school 5-10 so i mean its not even bad at all, but not a lotta money, i'll manage though

so basically idk if ive ever meantioned it before but i paint, the good stuff youknow? and well ive been painting my second weekend straight and i cant help it when you have money and a person and like when it feels really good, its just obvious to paint yeah, so i did it yesterday and it actually messed with my head like i was a walking zombie after i had a blast of a time and i literally felt sick so i hung up a call to j and fell asleep like wtf i chose sleep over him HATE MYSELF but yeah i also painted today HA so its not good for my brain and ive big exams coming up but ill get through it right? it hasnt hit me yet but i will duh, the idea of moving on with my life is like not that pleasing anymore, like i mean i cant wait to move out and all but idk its weird kinda scary

but so far in life im okay, just a bit bored rightnow mans is out and i have like nobody else to talk to because i stopped contact with like almost everyone not everyone but almost and tbh i hate talking to other people anyway so i just leave them all on read its bad but idgaf you know what i mean, and i doubt they care about me anyway its just like that, i got my arctic monkeys coming up in 23 days and im sososoo excited for this month, j also asked me to the cinema w him to see the new horror ' the nun ' and its meant to be so good like what a cutie hes actually treating me so fucking well rightnow touch wood but like UGH I LIKE HIM SO MUCH LIKE TOO MUCH, hes actually mine idc what anybody says and stg im such a psycho in the inside of my head lol but on the outside im so like chill about anything, and honestly im such an insecure bitch like its bad i put up such a big front like as if im this and that and that im altogether and tbh yeah i am a strong bitch and knows her worth and what she needs and wants but deep down i still get sad and scared and just confused about how i got so lucky and like why and wtf you know? like its never been like this idk if i even deserve it do i, cause im not the best person in the world, but it feels so good and shit like it gets to me that i dont even understand how much feelings i have for this boy, its off the radar at this point, one of my biggest priorities