its sp00k month,

not long but yeah stuff has actually happened, so i have a boyfriend now.. my first one, i met his family and oh my lord what a scary day of nerves and sweat that was HA, like i was never that nervous before, but it went well, and then came another time, i actually TOLD my mother about a guy in my life and everything (through text lol im stupid) but yeah we talked about it and she finally met him, and she knows everything about him so theres no hiding it, we'll be a month in a week and yeah like i am crazy about it, i dont actually admit it like that because im taking everything step by step but we have admitting to eachother in person '' i love you '' once and once only, this is serious and im glad i havent had a boyfriend and ive actually waited to do all of these things for the first time , with and for him like my mum was a big deal in general i never thought she'd be accepting of it but i get it now she was just looking out for me the whole time and why, but i mean i really really care for him words cant describe

i am 17 now, slowly moving out of the baby stage but its still early yet, and my boyfriend actually got me pandora ring, its like 3 weeks later because he ordered it tonight but thats because i wouldnt tell him what i wanted so then during the weekend i was just saying how i wanted one since mine disapearred and he actually got me one, so ill probably get it during the weekend, if i got the size of it wrong i will probably cry a little, but still how cute is he i love wearing rings so much !!! so like it is the best present

also im excited for halloween its just around the corner so that should be good (hopefully but maybe probably not lol) thinking of going as a vampire since i love vampires like a lot but we'll see, i actually want to save up money on my card but its not going well but yeah thats it for now, hearts content

hi there lol
so uhuhh im like so sick rightnow, like i think i caught the flu, tHANKS TO SCHOOL, like jesus every kid in there is sniffling and coughing and shit and now im looking like shit and my immune system is down ! but hey we'll get through it right, i only work 1 day a week now and thats a thursday after school 5-10 so i mean its not even bad at all, but not a lotta money, i'll manage though

so basically idk if ive ever meantioned it before but i paint, the good stuff youknow? and well ive been painting my second weekend straight and i cant help it when you have money and a person and like when it feels really good, its just obvious to paint yeah, so i did it yesterday and it actually messed with my head like i was a walking zombie after i had a blast of a time and i literally felt sick so i hung up a call to j and fell asleep like wtf i chose sleep over him HATE MYSELF but yeah i also painted today HA so its not good for my brain and ive big exams coming up but ill get through it right? it hasnt hit me yet but i will duh, the idea of moving on with my life is like not that pleasing anymore, like i mean i cant wait to move out and all but idk its weird kinda scary

but so far in life im okay, just a bit bored rightnow mans is out and i have like nobody else to talk to because i stopped contact with like almost everyone not everyone but almost and tbh i hate talking to other people anyway so i just leave them all on read its bad but idgaf you know what i mean, and i doubt they care about me anyway its just like that, i got my arctic monkeys coming up in 23 days and im sososoo excited for this month, j also asked me to the cinema w him to see the new horror ' the nun ' and its meant to be so good like what a cutie hes actually treating me so fucking well rightnow touch wood but like UGH I LIKE HIM SO MUCH LIKE TOO MUCH, hes actually mine idc what anybody says and stg im such a psycho in the inside of my head lol but on the outside im so like chill about anything, and honestly im such an insecure bitch like its bad i put up such a big front like as if im this and that and that im altogether and tbh yeah i am a strong bitch and knows her worth and what she needs and wants but deep down i still get sad and scared and just confused about how i got so lucky and like why and wtf you know? like its never been like this idk if i even deserve it do i, cause im not the best person in the world, but it feels so good and shit like it gets to me that i dont even understand how much feelings i have for this boy, its off the radar at this point, one of my biggest priorities

its been a while. again.
i start this the same everytime lol:
so basically everything has fucking changed like i mean everything, okay so i got back from holidays but during the last few days xxx died and the guy i use to talk to and stay up until morning talking to, well he messaged me about it and we got back to speaking like nothing ever happened like we didnt stop talking it was like we started again where we left off, so we had been speaking for about a month and we started calling every night and obviously alcohol was involved so he finally told me how he actually felt and everything about me, i was shocked and my guard was up but i let it down cause ive always had a place for him even when we were just " friends " and this is so weird for him he is a FUCKBOY or well was? he keep saying how he never does this and that id be sacked off by now and that this usually never happens and hasnt and honestly i think its scary for the both of us im so scared of getting hurt like my trust was a bit shattered after what happened last year with K, but with J its so different were so alike hes literally the boy version of me, so i ended up going out a night and the first time we saw eachother everything was great we were even official for a few hours cause we were both drunk asfuck but broke up the next day lol, but i went to his house and stayed 2 nights, and the next week he stayed at mine for a literal week and its actually been amazing ive never had such a connection with someone or someone that gets me so much, like yeah theres sexual attraction and tension but theres actually genuine feelings there too even when we look at eachother, well in my case i stare at him or when i catch him staring at me when we were lying down, im just so happy like he even left me his jumper that i love and is actually letting me keep it, ive never went this far with a boy or told my mum about any boy in my life but with him im actually considering it even though we arent even boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment, hes just so good to me and i just cant believe its real, but obviously schools starting tomorrow morning literally its 11:41 pm and i have to be up early, and we had a talk about ending things, because ive school and work and there was a fear of never seeing eachother, but id make all the effort in the world for him like im actually falling for this boy so much but for once im not putting it all out there because if i do it actually would consume me and make everything so much realer, i get so scared what if this is just a temporary thing for him, i think it would be worth it to me he is worth it even if he doesnt think so, id rather see where this takes me and him cause we have something different, hes not perfect i can say that but neither am i tbh and ive done things that im not proud of either and ive never been the most ideal person im so far from it which is why im so shocked of why this summers been so fucking amazing, me and jess and my other bestfriend dee are back to being a trio, and ngl i did miss her, i feel like everythings going into place slowly but gradually and i just have to see where im lead in time, im 17 in 2 weeks, fucking 17, this year flew like being 16 was a flash, im finally going to have my ID its scary growing up im still so young in my opinion and im already finishing school in a few months, might just be the biggest year of my life and so much is going on idk where this year is going to take me and its scaring the life out of me, after tomorrow its just going to be different i already know it. just going to do me this year and not let anyone get in the way of what i want and need and desire for once in my life.


also K also hit me up like a month ago, we did talk a bit and he fucked up my head a bit telling me he missed me and he was finally ready to settle with me and that i was that girl and that he was so sorry for what he did, he hadnt left me alone for a whole fucking year after what he did, im not even angry anymore, but he boiled my blood so much when i told him i had feelings for josh even a week before me and josh spoke about it, and K said that he could get anyone and didnt give a shit what i want and that he left me and all tis bullshit and i finally let loose and told him everything that i thought of him and everything that was bottled up for once because i kept my shit together and kept my mouth closed for 8 fucking months, and i deleted him straight after, and a week later i saw him in person and i realized i never actually loved that boy and i dont know what love is, what me and him had was actually nothing but something stupid and pathetic, we were just bored, well i know i was anyway, things happen to us that need to happen we all have a path no matter how silly or gay it sounds, things plan out the way theyre suppose to good or bad and that is what makes or breaks us, its just the way life is and sometimes we just have to accept it, and i think i finally am.
lol till another few months or weeks we'll see

hi its been like 1 month and a week and SO much has happened its actually crazy how stuff can change so quick i feel like not writing for a little while and building stuff up works better anyway and im currently typing on my macbook, yes i, me , you L finally got yourself a macbook after wanting it for years now lmfaooo but okay so... basically i finished 5th year of secondary school so i only have 1 year left now god thats so scary. after being finished school for a week me and jess stopped being friends with one of our bestfriends, she kind of ended the friendship with us because me and jess are closer obviously which is understandable and it did upset me a bit because like '' f?'' was obviously bestfriends with us for almost 2 years so yeah sad, and then i went on holidays to mallorca, s'illot with my bff jess and those 2 weeks are the best 2 weeks ever and i will never ever forget about them its been home a week today and im missing it all so much honestly, the laughs the creeps catcalling and the memories with views and heat and sun and happieness no complaints whatsoever.

uncomfortable in my own skin

yeah um havent posted in a little bit so hi, i dont even write as much feel like im annoying to my BLOG HA even thought no one probably reads this i mean it is my personal diary in a way said it a few times, easier typing than writing can tell you that, my fingers and hand be's dead from writing in a diary know that cause i have one. But um me and the guy i liked sort of not really idek we stopped talking for good which is fair play, we drifted and that was that i'm not bothered anyway. School ends this coming friday
so um im gonna talk about my eating habits and weight?
basically ever since ive been like 13 its always been a case of being skinny like ive always been a skinny girl i know that in my head, but when  i was 13 i didnt even eat in school like i mean i didnt eat, id only really have dinner a day but i wasnt even hungry during the day so i suppose it was okay i wasnt doing it on purpose or anything, but im pretty sure i weight 40 something kg? it was in the low end anyway and always being a tall girl, like i was considered tall for my age i guess i was underweight like i had 0 bum my trousers were drooping at the back LOL which who cares i was a kid? but looking back yeah that was bad, i had my thigh gap and everything AND THEN i got sick, i got the chicken pox at aged 13 imagine how tragic that was ahahah i still have like 2 scars from it ewie but u cant even see them apart from me, but yeah i didnt eat at all for a whole almost 2 months? like i had a few oven cooked chicken nuggets a day but that was it, cause i was staying home sleeping most of the time, obviously  i couldnt leave the house, and i had chicken pox in my eyes and in my mouth ( mostly in my throat) so it was painful looking as well as swallowing anything even saliva as bad as that sounds, and now im soon 17 i just feel like im so fucking fat weighing 60kg likei just wanna drop down to atleast 50kg or something im just so uncomfortable, i have a gym membership i need to go back i havent been in 2 weeks and i feel sobad about myself, mum says im underweight for my age and height but maybe shes just saying that because shes my mum, im at a height of 5'6/5'7 i cant really remember the measurements theyre in my passport tho lmao but yeah it sucks i hate it makes me never wanna eat again, when i was underweight mum would always say i never eat and make comments about it and yeah never actually realized, i wanna stop eating properly but then ill lose the shape of my bum, it actually happens its not like its super massive but its a normal bum which id prefer to atleast keep since my boobs are a literal b/c not ashamed i love my small crepes rather them than big but yeah, maybe starting tomorrow, anyway im off to eat some watermelon(keeping healthy)

im 17 in 6 months what the fuck

me and thing ma bob are getting on okay iguess, still FRIENDS i dont even push it like i just go with the flow have a bit of flanter LMAO and thats it, someone else has been showing a bit of interest tho !! like hmmmmmmmm

crazycrazycrazy
you know my sexuality is actually confusing me like i know im straight but idk if i maybe have a thing for girls too?? like its so confusing i question myself but then i dont actually find any girls from my school attractive or anything its just famous ppl so that doesnt even count

Lil Peep - Star Shopping (Removed At 2.4 Mil Views) (Prod. Kryptik)

tbh the stuff that ive actually went through starting from the exact age of 13 up until the age of 16 has been traumatic, how isnt my trust and image completely shattered what the fuck i dont think ive sat down and just thought about how much shit ive went through as a child, even from the age of 4 a traumatizing secret that i cant tell anyone and im still standing, people may wonder at some of my shocking anger extents and my somewhat loud voice sometimes, my joke of a laugh, outgoing big personality, but jesus deep down when im by myself im none of that, id love to just wake up and be okay but its just too far deep in now

Tove Lo - Talking Body - Gryffin Remix (Audio)

day 26 stuff is pretty amazing

late nights consisting of me not sleeping until 9 in the morning just by talking to him, is it a story that has no happy ending? just like all of my stories, i dont even know

3rd post in one night oops, i have no one to vent to because no one understands or can get what me and him be like, hes made it so clear to me and as if i cant change it either, its only been 8 days of me and his '' friendship '' what will happen when the days double, triple..?

lewis - lost in you
a song of his

we have so much in common since night one, late nights full of conversation, even calling was spoken about too the other day, it could all be so perfect but its all but perfect

i feel like shit, the one person who i got attention that i craved and needed for months i get for a week and its like a drug to me, but he made it clear that its not that he wouldnt want a relationship with me but its that he just doesnt do relationships, not once, but twice in the space of 3 days, i wasnt even the one that suggested any of it, maybe it was just clarification but not once did i give hints of that, sure i may have dreamt of it because talking to him brings happieness but never actually, it sorta hurts because feelings gradually grow and i wonder how he stops it while i grow to like him more and more everyday putting myself through this, i mean is this really gonna be like charlotte and gaz type of relationship lol? cause im pretty sure im not as strong and could never be as strong as she was.