A week or 2 later and surprised im not dead either lmao, dont know what to say, all i know is i wont be the same anymore but everyone changes
Not close with Luke at all anymore rip to that i think its because when he felt like he had no one i came along and in his head he thinks ill always be the backup since i was there for him since day 1 but im done being used and treated poorly, he makes 0 effort and doesnt even talk to me anymore tbh so i stopped caring and feel like i should just say fuck it and move on because im done being hurt and i am going to shut it all out as i have done before and i did get better after it, its a shame though i counted myself as the luckiest and happiest person but im not anymore, one thing can turn into such a huge horrible thing and tears you apart. Life is so tough and i always ask why me, like didnt i already go through enough last year? Still hurt and sore inside from what has happened in my life but learning to accept it and to keep the tears in, it was so bad that when someone mentioned it to me in school id start to cry and couldnt control it, i never cry infront of people i always have that tough up happy image and that was the first time that happened and im so ashamed. Everyone knows and i know it isnt my fault but its all  fucked up i should of done the thing i was intended to do but i didnt. Fucked up so many friendships and my relationship and no one will get me and no one will ever see what i truly am inside i'll always have that guarded and make sure that i will have it hidden because no one deserves to see, i have such a huge hatred for everyone and i dont mean to but how can you love when everyones only every shown or taught you hatred, its always been hard situations since i was young but i always let it all back in i wish i wasnt so forgiving, and for a while people actually believed it and yeah sure theyd call me a snob behind my back but at the end of the day my heartless attitude and feelings a few months back worked so all i gotta say if fuck you and fuck everyone ive ever known because i dont want to nor will i give a fuck anymore and i will strive to hurt anyone and everyone who comes near me to know what i felt like because last time it was the most fun and best feeling i had ever had and when they got hurt i laughed and i turned into the bully that everyone else was to me, sure id say stuff to their faces or shout stuff at them with my friends but i was only doing what they had done to me even if it was years ago, just cause i glow up over the summer they suddenly think they can be friends with you nah that didnt work, i turned into the little heartless slut and everyone would smile at you and talk to you and you were the one that formed the group and introduced everyone to your childish ways and i formed the '' snobish '' group that i only now found out what everyone was saying about them and me and us and i laugh because it was jealousy, because no one would say or do anything to me because they knew what would happen, and girls couldnt say anything because their man would come to me and ask me and not them clearly not your man calm down, but i got away with it everytime not even meaning to, where did it all go wrong? they got ahead of themselves when i was slowly turning back into the girl i use to be i got too use to feeling safe that i fucked it up i didnt stay the way i started it, i know i cant get it back but why would everyone say and the first day and first class that i set foot in the teachers words to everyone were '' dont be shy talk to people because there will be the down people and there will be the popular people, by the way this girl is talking and acting your going to be quite popular '' and he wasnt wrong. So FUCK YOU ALL. i aint from here i aint irish aight so nobody can tell me nothing anymore and no one can get to me theres nothing left to break in me anymore so i say fuck it all i dont give one fuck anymore, and its the best feeling saying that because im in the exact place i was this time last year and god i missed it.

I can just imagine corey finding this blog or finding out and laughing at how pathetic i was lmao

Realising what a mess i was lastnight, i have no words.

I should be sleeping for school tomorrow aka hell, even though hell wouldnt be as bad, in a way hell isnt bad at all, because everyone knows and everyone says it, the devil was once an angel, and how can you blame something beautiful for becoming so different and the opposite just to protect themselves from the things that hurt him the most? You cant, because that something did the right thing and id rather be different and oppisite and delusional than be like them anymore, everyone is so self centered and fake about themselves these days and its discusting to me, but im just one unwanted and unloved person who can do nothing about this, i cant change the pain that im in because the things and people that are causing me this pain dont understand how bad it is because they have never gone through it, but they still know what theyre doing is bad so yes the blame can be given, suicidal thoughts about why im even here anymore and that i dont want to be here, crying to myself, its a shame your own family dont realise how deformed and broken you are inside, heart ripped apart, mind torn, tears dry, head aches from not understanding why you, unhappy, reached the stage of depressed, these thoughts dont leave, and as i cry as i write this i know i will go to sleep at some point tonight, wake up tomorrow open my eyes and still feel all of this agony but continue the day building more and more up, and i will crack on the outside someday soon, and it will be too late, everybody will fake cry say sorry for my going, but they wont mean it, and i am so sorry to the 2 people that might of cared for me as much as i cared for them if i do, but i really did love you two and you were the most realest and genuine people i had never even met, but i connected emotionally with and felt like i didnt need to meet yous yet because you were my bestfriends and always will be, at this point it doesnt matter if yous didnt care its still ok because yous kept me going for a while, i cant contain this or myself now or anymore and there isnt anything anyone can say to me anymore that can change my thoughts because im alone and im in a dark long hole far away in my own little world as always, im so sorry to luke and corey for letting you  two down because of the mess ive been in, i wasnt like this at the start and yous signed up believing it was always going to be the happy uplifting me, which it was for a while but you both and me noticed that there wasnt anything right about me anymore, luke i dont blame you for distancing yourself from me, its good for you in a way, and corey im sorry for the shit times and frustrating times i put you through because i couldnt be good to you i wish i could of been better

I realised how to add music watttt?????? after all this time???????????? yes, i achieved it, thx youtube, there are like 5 songs so if you dont like one, which you should  cause like obvs um, you can change it yes, you just gotta click the lil cage to start it playing

*the next day* lolllllllllllllllllll
Everyday just thinking of reasons to why this shit happening to me you know, ig this is like a diary? lmao, id die if someone found this, literally bye, im not good with expressing my feelings to other people, considering that im such an open person like i come out with anything and everything, whats the point of being shy. but yeah often people think i dont care about them because of my lack of words or my lack of telling them how much they mean to me or whatever, i cant describe how i feel because those people mean the world to me, and i cant tell them that because all the people that dont give a fuck about people say that 24/7 smh, been thinking of just dropping and cutting every person i talk to, loosing all my streaks and just disapearing from the social media im on, it wouldnt make a difference, im already gone, disapeared, lost in the physical life, the reason why i used '' physical '' and not ''real life '' is plainly because whatever we do online is still real life, real people, real interaction but the difference is all that you do comes from your mind and isnt spoken of, its kind of amazing though, the way you can meet real genuine people that live in other countries and know you better than anyone has ever known you, sure you might not be able to meet up with them everyday but you obviously will one day if you stay in touch, the shit part about having online friends is because you feel like you have to keep it a secret as if its bad or something because the people around you dont understand because they havent expirienced it, shame though in my opinion. Since when do i use these words and talk like this? i truly dont know, someone help please, i really mean it, if ur reading this then its probs too late and ive probs regretted every decision ive made including my life,,,,,im joking but im not

06/sept/2016 and nothing has changed, nothing... its just as bad as it was and maybe worse, i mean me and luke barely talk now and sure he might not care at all or it doesnt affect him one bit but it really hurts me, im not going to say anything or do anything because i cant make someone talk to me, but if i do keep it in i know i'll just snap at one point, because thats what im like, i let people walk over me and ill be their little puppy who listens to their every word and then one day ill be pissed or so mad and i'll snap and let it all out and i guess thats the worst because its built up emotion, and letting the other person think that its okay to do that is also a problem of keeping it in, the one good thing thats happened is Callum came back and hes been so good to me and i love him sm, i almost forgot how amazing he really was because we hadnt spoken for months, but as soon as we started talking again it was like he never left and thats like so special and our conversations are full of laughter and i need that


i think im becoming distant with almost everyone and it really does feel like i have no one when thats probably not the case and thats the worst feeling ever, idk where to go it wont leave my mind and my thoughts just get worse and darker and it mentally breaks you and makes you feel like you physically cant do anything either, i dont want to stay or be here anymore but then what happens when im gone?

the annoying, loud, laughing, happy person i was 2-3 months ago isnt there anymore and i wish i could change that, ive tried just pretending to be happy thinking ill convince myself to be but it hasnt worked.

i hate sleep, i hate day, i hate daylight, i prefer being awake at night and being in the dark, i prefer being surrounded by colourful lights and loud music, i prefer drinking until i cant drink another i love the burning sensation in my throat as it goes down, i want to inhale the posion that goes inside and out in that beauitful grey colour

All i want is to not care anymore and not give a fuck about anything or anyone, slowly im doing it, id rather be insane and not feel a thing than feel all this misery and think about all the people that wouldnt give a care in the world if something happened to me and to not care about the people that stop having interest to talk to you but only talk to you when something bad actually does happen and they pretend to care

Why is the human race so cruel?


What did i do that was so bad, i strived for success and did everything to get what was mine back and i did it, and i was careless and thought nobody could take it away from me again but they did, the same twisted snaked bitch, its always something, when i do something she does, watching my every fucking move, begging me for forgiveness, why am i so stupid? why did i let her in, i let my own bully back into my life her disguised as my '' bestfriend'' she took it all away from me once and i got rid of her and now when i was back at the top of the pyramid of everyone she crawls back in pretending, its okay though right? i mean shes just taking the left over boys that i got tired of and the boys that chose me, and the friends that were behind me that told me all their hilarious opinions about what they really thought of her, its okay though, i got it all back once bitch so i can do it again and i am going to do it again, slowly but gradually, because you know what they say about karma, but i am my own karma, people never fuck me over but she just did, i made someones life hell because they put me through shit for a year, and now most people hate them, your welcome j, wanna know what it took me to get him back? he used me abused me and mentally abused me for a whole year and 5 months to be exact, i made him '' love '' me again and i made him beg for me while i was laughing at him showing everyone the messages he was sending to me, my friends kept telling me to break it off because  i was discusted being with him but i had my plan and once i have a plan i'll stick with it until the end and in this case  i did better than stick with it, we were in a relationship for about before a month id say and the time that i broke up with him was good too, i made him think i was happy when everyone knew i hated him and when he confonted me about it id always tell him they were lies and he always believed me, during this relationship i was texting several boys and i was treating them better than my own ''boyfriend'' and i wasnt emabressed to tell people, and obviously word got to my '' boyfriend '' but id deny it and hed believe me again, and then it came to the point were he was so '' inlove '' with me and i made him think i was too that i broke up with him a day before our anniversary ahahah and he cried and begged and i continued to lead him on thinking we were gonna get back until the point where i got sick of him and told him to leave me alone, his friends telling me he tried to cut but it was hilarious, and him and his friends continued to watch over me and watch what i did and the boys i talked to met up with, he wanted to hit most of them and did hit 1 even though though the whole month of my acting i didnt let him touch me or anything, kind of made me regret doing this because i had my own ex stalker and this lasted 1 month or 2 i think and i finally got rid of him, and told him it was all a plan and that i always hated him and that it was all just for revenge on the pain he put me through, and then maybe 3 months later after all this i had a friend from a different country and she remembered i use to have a boyfriend and asked what happened and then proceeded to follow him with my permission but i didnt care so she followed him, and he messgaed her on instagram dm, mind you he had a new girl friend at this stage to ''get over me'' or so his friends said, so he messaged my friend and stuff and one thing lead to another he added her on snapchat and he started getting sexual towards her which was inapropriate because he had a girlfriend.. and so i made up a plan with the help of my friend and we ended up skyping eachother and then she started to play along with what he was doing and for this plan to work she had to find nudes on the internet to make them look real, and long story short we have screenshots of his nudes and chats of what he said, and guess what we did, lmao savage like me we sent them to his girlfriend, and if he ever does anything to piss me off theyre going everywhere, i promised him id get him back for threatening me and i did