it was never love btw lmfao thats why i dont care at all, i think at the time he convinced me into it i mean he said it first etc when truly i wasnt even ready for it ever, i just guess i liked hearing that someone was fake caring about me

yeah he cheated on me it was a lie, what makes me mad is i asked the '' cousin '' were they cousins in person and she lied to my fucking face  ahahaah, anyway i told him it was over i finished it all, and rn im so happy i legit didnt even cry about it but i danced about it, and rn im experiencing new posibilites and what ive learned is if you want something then fuck it just go and get it

i am confused whether he has lied to me this whole time or not, he says they are cousins but everything is pointing towards them not being cousins, so was it all a lie is that why the end was so easy
i believed him and disregarded the thought because i trusted him, but deep down i am starting to think there probably is a higher possibility that he has been lying and i was made a joke of, sadly i had given him things that i would have never given to just anybody ans sadly i wasted more than a year of my time building not only a friendship but a possible love with him, he tells me he loves me but actions speak louder than words and im realizing im better than this

i love my dog

i am an artist, sure i guess art is just a subject i do in school and most of the time i cant be bothered finishing it at home but we are all artists in some type of unique way?

i dont know if we have a purpose of being here or not on this planet or what the point is

we are born and given life to supposedly do whatever we want and desire because we own our lives

we are forced to go to school and get an education to be accepted in society because if you dont you may just be considered '' retarted '' we learn some subjects which will become no use or help to us in the '' big world '' we all think it but no one says anything

most of us in secondary school suffer from a mental illness and all society knows it, a percentage will commit suicide and thats a life taken away before they even get into the '' big world '' and the majority of the reason is because of school, the one thing we are forced to go into, they all say we have a choice but no, we dont. school itself may not be the cause but the people inside school because of a lack of discipline from the whole world, so as they say we have a choice, the one choice the people consider is to stick with it or make it go away, and well i guess you already know which choice they make.

the adults may say there are guidance councilors, teachers and all sorts, but they never know what is going, they may repeat all of the possible answers they were taught to say but it is all bullshit and in the world no one can save you but yourself, of course if you have a true friend in the world which is rare enough it may just save you but as they say, you will always have your own back.

education on mental illness is utter bullshit but no one will ever do anything about it.

im back again, everything is shit again what a shocker, i had a very happy few months summer was pretty amazing, i had my 2 bestfriends which i love to bits and i had the boy that i cant really say that i love him anymore

he finished it all, 8 months turned to waste just in a few minutes, almost 2 years of knowing a guy you'd think everything would turn out alright but it turned out to be the opposite. he was the first guy i properly trusted after years, i literally love him still even through all the shitty things he's said to me and might be saying about me, i stopped talking about him to my friends for a while because i guess deep down i had a feeling, his replies started getting short which turned into only maybe 5 replies a day, i brushed it off as if i didnt care but i did care a lot, whats ironic is that i was actually able to come up to see him this time but i guess it wasnt meant to happen, hed said he wasnt ditching me or that it wasnt the end or that he wasnt gonna leave me and all that even in person, but i guess everything was a lie, so anyway this whole week every single fucking day he finds something to argue with me about for no reason, he finishes things which makes me feel like shit he then decides to drag on fights for a week straight saying he doesnt care and that im a dose and what not and decides to delete me i ended up getting added back because i reached out by calling him and then everything was alright i told him ill leave him alone because i hate leaving things on bad terms that eats your conscience up and you never know what can happen, so everything was fine, it was him that kept popping up and then he finds another arguement and i was almost sure everything was done there and then but he ends up popping up again after that, and then everything is fine for a day maybe less and he decides to delete me out of nowhere without saying anything,  its like how can someone loose all feelings just like that and leave the other person in tears, i just think maybe we should have left it the way it was during april time at least it wasnt this bad that he had to delete me twice and i would have accepted it easier during the summer before things got this serious

im a depressed fucker but id rather not surround my friends with sadness and make them feel shitty so ill just brush it off as if im okay

because at the end of the day no one can help the way im feeling but myself

my hearts a bit broke lol but i think my eyes are too tired to cry on the downlow anymore so ill just sit in my room watching a movie distracted thinking about him and about how i could have avoided this and what if and all that

-
:)

dedicated to jessica-

i went through a very hard time at one point in my life, to this day im almost sure i will never go through something that bad again, but who knows i shouldnt speak too soon, this "hard time" didnt last a few days or a month, nope, this lasted months, years basically, imagine a year of wasted time and all because i was a naive, young, stupid kid.

i was manipulated, lied to, lied about, talked about, looked down upon, for stuff that i didnt even do, the stuff that i heard come out of some peoples mouths of things that i  "supposedly did", but thats the thing, i didnt

that moment when i got back stabbed by a bunch of snakes that i use to call my bestfriends so close to calling them sisters, cos them bunch of snakes is what started it all and a so called boyfriend which was all fake

cos then just a group of snakes turned into a whole town of sheep and a whole town of sheep turned into a circus of lies

i was the centre of lies, thankfully i was sick and out of school for a month, cos in that one month is when all the shit went down, just cos i was out of school didnt mean i didnt know what was going on, it was just a blessing that god got me sick for me to be outta that hell hold and it was fucked cos the snakes got my mum and the school involved and told her a bunch of lies, one was that i was gonna have sex with a guy, i had recently turned 13, what sort of fucking joke is that, i had no one, my mum probably believed the lies too and i went downhill i hit rock bottom.

when i came back i had no friends, i cant exactly remember about all the other people but the constant feeling of people looking at me wrong and talking about me, it disgusted me that people could be such sheep and such an influence on eachother to make someone feel like some sort of alien, i didnt think there was point for me, i did starve myself but it wasnt something new to me, me being sick with the chicken pox kinda stopped me from eating i was in my room all day and all night didnt leave didnt see no light but anyhow i turned to one person, this girl which long story short turned into another snake in the end but lemme just say how it all went at the start

she was pretty great, i called her my bestfriend we'd do everything together be together constantly, she was a year older than me and a year above me in school, i spent a whole summer with her, but thats the thing, she slowly turned into a bad influence which was the complete opposite of what i needed because one thing about me i can be crazy and i like fun, i likED fun. So one night she forced me to sneak out of my own house, my mum was good enough to let me have a sleepover in my house even though she had been working all day long and my bestfriend came over, she was so desperate to meet her boyfriend, they werent actually dating but she liked him a lot i guess and there was another guy, i was worried about her so i didnt want to let her sneak out by herself because its dangerous so i left, one thing lead to another they had alcohol, i was only 13 years old, a young idiot who had never ever tasted alcohol or understood what handeling it was so when i was given it i guess i drank too much, to prove myself to my bestfriend i guess cause she was always up for anything, and she was my only bestfriend so i put all my trust into her, the mistake i made way too many times which i should have known better than that by that point, yeah i got caught, i lost my mums trust, but it was already shit i had no connection with her because even before then earlier that summer i moved in with my dad cos we couldnt even speak anymore it was as if i didnt have a mum and it wasnt her fault no it was mine and i take full blame for it and i only realize this now cos at that time i was a selfish stubborn child, but see when i came back from living with my dad for almost all of the summer, sure i "hated" her and chose my dad but we were starting to be okay again but i fucked that all up again just for a snake, see after i got caught and dragged home  when i couldnt even really walk or talk properly cos i was a horrible mess, we didnt talk at all for a week i guess, didnt talk properly for a month, so then the first day of school rolled around, i was wanting a new begining but nah i got put in a class with the same snakes who stabbed me the first time, but this is where it gets twisted, see only 2 of the snakes out of about 5 were in the class now, we didnt speak for the first 2 weeks but slowly started talking and by halloween we were close again, i ditched my bestfriend cause she was bad for me too bad for me i needed my one way ticket out, so the first chance i got i did it, by christmas i was bestfriends with the 2 snakes but we made friends with an old snake who fucked me over and a brand new snake and i had left my bestfriend who was bestfriends with my ex, anyway me and the 4 snakes turned into the initial "squad" of girls in our year, and then there was a squad of guys in our year, so we were the known people you could say, thanks to me, i left the snakes for another group of girls who were liked by everyone and were actually good for me, mistake number 4 i left them cos the snake squad dragged me back, heres where i fell for it, see i went back to them at the start of summer, but then i felt unwanted so i didnt come out as much but i still did at times, which they acted as if we were the best of friends but i still got depressed and locked myself away and not once did they try help me or notice my cry of help, i distanced myself from the popularity and the social block i was sick of it, so the last 2 weeks of summer roll around and the 4 snakes aint responding, i hit them all up in the group chat which they choose to tell me that im not in the group anymore, i left a good group of people for them, i removed myself from everyone
they used me for popularity and when they got it all they dumped me, so the first day of school rolls round and guess what im back to stage 1:

alone, i stopped eating lunch at school, i spent my breaks and lunches in the bathroom, the fucking bathroom, when i came home i went straight to my room, i cried and cried and cried for weeks, i was alone and suicidal, it got bad cos i turned to my mum for the first time in my life, i told her i had no one no friends and basically pleaded to move schools i needed a new beginning, the school got involved again this time they actually helped, surprisingly, only one snake from the 4 cared, and when we were put in a room in a circle she was the only one who talked to me when the other 2 laughed and the other one was bad at these situations so i wasnt surprised, i went back to having no one, a festival came around and i was invited to a girls house and on this day, i met my SISTER, ok so i go back to school expecting to go to the bathrooms again, but the councilor calls me out of class and asks me to name someone i could trust and be around at break, i told the councilor her name, and im so glad i didnt name anyone else from that day cos we got another snake on that day, but from that day my BESTFRIEND has never let me be alone and in 3 weeks itll be a year since that day and i might just celebrate it bigger than my birthday which comes a week after it

see when i met my bestfriend there was another girl who tried to blame my bestfriend for a thief, we took care of it though and i had her back since day 1 and she had mine. i was starting to do good again i was actually happy and i have never ever felt so safe and happy and blessed with anyone before like i do with her, i can say she actual is a sister to me, so then we became good friends with another girl which still to this day is a good friend to us even tho we have our ups and downs with her, the funny thing is i hated this girl and made her feel down, just cos those snakes hated her.

whats more hilarious is those snakes tried being my bestfriends again around christmas time thats 8 months ago to be exact, its all good though because this time i didnt let them in, thanks to the support i actually recieved this time, i guess i snaked them a little bit, thats the thing with me i revolve around revenge and maybe thats why i was in a circle, my bestfriend helped me through that though taught me revenge isnt the answer, cos she wasnt about that, yeah i still love revenge and what not but i keep that to myself but its proving to be hard because the a particular snake from the squad has hurt my bestfriend bad and i cant help but bring out my other side, revenge doesnt work quickly, it takes weeks to months to a year from my experience so even though she might tell me not to do anything ill never let it go, but for now i choose to be a better person  and the only reason why is because shes a good person and shes the best influence ive ever had in my life so i have her to thank for everything because im actually happy

this little story took place for 3 years, except i cut it down, but since then i have never been the same so i say thanks to all them snakes for the way i am now

and maybe in the future im considering getting a tiny snake tattoo somewhere dedicated to them for making me
for the first time ever i wrote down how i felt about this whole thing

love u jess xx

august 12th

imagine me turning 16 in a month, and still i was petrified of doing sexual things lmfao, but the only reason i was so scared, was because of society and judgmental people, the town is filled with people who only gossip and talk and bring people down and then you end up enabling a '' bad name '' for doing as you desire or for you and your partner to participate in private sexual things between eachother, if only this town wasnt so depressing and hating, pathetic.

the last time i wrote was may, the month of may was a month of crying at least a few times every week and trying to move on when i couldnt, rightnow its 2 months later, its the 3rd of august.

ill start off by saying Ryan Celsius is a god at making mixes of songs 

secondly the universe and god has been too good to me and im finally started to appreciate life for the first time.

ive became somewhat holy, i would never pray but i manage to pray every night to thank the lord for everything and it makes me feel better,

shocking i know,

me and the boy i called '' my love '' would text me almost every week after we '' broke up '' just normal conversation during the day which would finish and we would go back to not speaking for days i thought maybe he was just trying to keep the friendship, at one point i just wanted to tell him to stop because it hurt that i couldnt talk to him all the time but i didnt, then 2 saturdays before the 8th of july he texted me, it was around 1-2am he was sending me videos, at the start he made me laugh, hadnt felt that in a long time, but then slowly he got to a deeper side, sent me videos of him saying he missed me and regretted finishing with me and that he loved me, i was in shock and disbelief, it was rare for him to open up tbh thats one thing i always knew, it was my fault though for that because of the past but he did he opened up, and that fucked with my head for 2 weeks straight because he didnt text me that following weekend, so 2 weeks pass and on the 8th of july, a day after my bestfriends birthday he texts me, yeah hes with his friends i could see in the background, he was just conversating then suddenly he goes into blue chat and asks am i ready to come back, lmfao i asked him '' the question is are you ready '' everything got sorted with him, i think that month was a good break for us we both sorted ourselves out, i mean i went downhill for a bit but realized how much he was worth it, i had never done that for any boy ever, we use to argue a lot, too much so he had a fair point for a break, it wasnt healthy, so at the start when we got back yeah i was scared, man i was hella scared, scared of letting him in again cause of how easy it was for him to break me but i mean we got back on track, better than before if im honest, i was recently on holidays (15th july) where he actually said the words '' i love you '' like ma heart

i basically skipped the month of june kinda, it was a month of exams, literally

july was holidays

my 2 bestfriends have fallen out and im in an awkward situation just want them to be okay again

everything has gone to complete and utter shit and i am back to phase 1 of hating life, '' my love '' and i  ended things becos well i guess it didnt work but im still waiting for his pathetic ass i dont know why, the first week i was non stop crying , i had to leave school it got that bad, hes doing ok of course, its a guy lol theyre always better than ever, im kind of getting past it like im not as sad as i was last week or the week before, so baby steps, sad thing is, if this was me last year i would be over it in a second because my sadness turned to anger and i would be going with all his friends rightnow, but rightnow i dont want anybody else but him its so fucking hard like cmon go back to being a heartless bitch and ruinn him like you have before, why cant i do it, how is he holding me under his breath without even being here, he said there was point waiting, but im just playing myself at this point, i knew it was too good to be true, the last entry i wrote was almost like a dream, i got butterflies reading that a few minutes ago siiiiiiiiiiiiigh, oh well, life goes on , right

10 days l8r from ma other post,, hi

i went out on friday as in drinkin, i mixed liquor and whiskey and red bull then drank others drinks, felt unwell on the fuckin bus cos i can get travel sick ( i didnt) but i still continued to sing and dance on the bus, i loved it, everyone kept complimenting me n i felt so good abt myself, best that i had felt in a long time, but it was probably only because my love was going out too the only reason i was hyped up, i got off the bus lol felt tipsy, but then i saw him n i got my fuckin shit together cos i was not about to miss out n not get into the actual club itself, so yea got my shit together acted out like erything was fine, walked past him while he was w his mates could see him lookin at me from the corner of his eye so it was all good, got in the club ok chill danced for 20 mins, then started to wonder where he was so i spent like 5-8 mins looking for him !! but ppls was telling me he was lookin for me too so then i found him n aghhhh we spent the whole night together he was tellin me he always liked me and he missed me and he was sorry and ugh im in my feels, apart from the last 14mins cos pictures with other ppl n yano had to catch up with others since its  a big club consisting of a lot of towns of ppl in it , durin those 14 mins of bein apart idek what happened but his knuckles got cut and shit and glass in em like i left you for 14 min dude wyd !! lmfao but yea now i cant stop thinking about it and its already monday, maybe am keeping my hopes up for nothing but to me its  alot n ill keep hoping

what can ya do when youve been inlove with someone for 1 year and 2 months.

yea it took me that long to finally do it, im dumb but it was worth it, whenever we would fall out because of our dumb jealousy and because we werent together with eachother or talkin that certian way, we'd always find our way back to eachother, and everyone knows.

hiya, been writting on this less cause i simply forget but in times of sad songs ill always come back here and vent about my life lol, im feeling heartbroken over a boy, it isnt just a boy but i know i fucked up BIG TIME, its pathetic, ill prob look back and read this and be like tf is wrong with you r u dumb? yes i am dumb thx, the song acid rain by lorn is such a deep song, barely any words, and the words that are said i dont understand but it gets me in my feels and i love it, i cant seem to get out of this upsetting mood, ive been in it for like 2 weeks now so err um help me ????? lol

So... What depressing topic haven't i went over in this blog hmm? I mean i am a bit proud of myself as all of this that i am feeling, nobody knows about, just me, my mind and my conscience right, i'm capable of smart things its just that people doing give me the support that i actually really need. Its kinda easy telling my whole life story on here, right now its 01:55 am in the morning and i am planning on sneaking outside, i feel bad about it but i really want to feel some excitement and rebellion at this time right now, i'm risking a lot, mostly trust from my mum and that's what i'm scared the most from, but i wanna live a little, i don't particularly enjoy going out once a month on a Friday night, just for the same shit to happen over and over again, i'm so bored of it but i'll still continue to do it. Listening to a lot of my old 2014 songs lately and it's the best thing I've done music wise in a long time i didn't realize how much i missed these songs, for instance i'm listening to Flight Facilities - Crave You (Adventure Club Dubstep Remix) as i write this. Anyway i'm doing better, i just need to deal with how i handle my anger, people think i joke but i really get mad easy and ugh its annoying, anyway wish me luck, such a stupid decision but bye.

im just a really angry person inside who hasnt exactly dealt with it
and it makes me question everything and everything confuses the fuck out of me

10 weeks later:

Progress

ok well hi, traumatic diary isnt it? still waiting for the day until im truly happy and full inside, but i know i have a guardian angel looking over me, my mother always told me my uncle was looking over me, isnt it sad how people just get taken away from you, all i know is that he always use to look after me when i was a child but i dont remember, i think he knew that he was going to die because he had written a letter telling and promising he would always guard me but pretended like my grandmother had gotten him to give it to her, but that wasnt that case, even though i cannot remember meeting him i will never get over the fact that i miss a person that i never got to meet in my remembering years, never have  i ever admitted that.

My life is full of mistakes, my family is no where near perfect, growing up in a country which wasnt my own was always a struggle, i understood that being like an outsider, when i was 7 years old my mother and father split, i may still cry over that sometimes because every vivid image from that experience, the weeks, months leading up to the day we walked out hand in hand with my mum and brother closing the front door behind us, every step after that will never be a blur but a nightmare of a memory, never will i ever admit of the hurt i have inside of that time in my life, i will never tell mum, because she is in a huge place full of happieness now, and what is the point even thinking about things that happened in the past?

I always try to lift people up and make them feel good about themselves, but usually i dont get the favour back, everyone thinks im happy, laughing in class, making jokes, being loud, its just really my cry for help, but as they all say no one hears it, but i bear with it everyday and that alright i guess its just a feeling of empty inside of me, blocking it out for some amount of time is ok but then when you let it all back in all of a sudden, the build up of everything you were holding in explodes and it just makes it 10 times worse.

Hopefully i will look back in years if i even remember this blog and look back at the confusion and see how i could of changed things but for now this is it

to see more of my depressing shit, keep clicking older posts for each para